SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
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Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
We’ve come full circle
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.