me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
You Might Also Like
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*