Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.

Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.

Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.

In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.

“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account

Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!

Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.

My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”

Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.

This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.

[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”

Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.

me missing my flight to montreal bc i didn’t know you needed a passport to go canada has become my ‘mispronounced word’ for my friends. whenever i’m about to do anything they go “do you need a passport?” it’s not even a funny joke. and i must live with it for the rest of my life

I hate hotel bath towels.
So thick and fluffy I can’t even close my suitcase!!

OK hear me out, A corn dog except it’s just a hotdog on a stick covered in onion rings.

I like to move it.

But not move it move it.

Just the one move it.

“I’m playing chess while you’re playing checkers” wrong. I’m playing a third game I just made up and it’s called jumpy circles

Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.

Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself

If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?

100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world

Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.

Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.

“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.

My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye

[pharmacy]

“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”

PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?

“No thanks, I already believe in children”

GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.

“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”

GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.

Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives

Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life

Good morning ☺️

lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????

I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.