Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing

HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.

Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.

[first day as a detective]

me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?

zz top: yes sir

me: and she knows how to use them?

zz top: that’s right

me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning

Boeing astronauts this morning trying to book a return trip with Uber

Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat

My tinder profile says I’m looking for an

Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess

Droid: What about the other baby?

Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere

Why are you wearing that outfit again?

Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine

Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.

It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views

Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.

“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted

it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve

I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.

If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn

Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.

[i witness a crime]

COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement

ME: ok

[at the station]

ME: a hotdog is a sandwich

Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.

Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.

The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.

Most of your problems would disappear if you just turned off your phone. And I know you know that. But not me, bubba. I got jokes to write.

[calendar naming committee]

BOSS: how should we spell the second month

GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea

If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.

Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.

I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.

The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park

My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining

My 10yo: but not pouring

Me: and the old man is not snoring

6yo:

10yo:

Me:

6yo: YOU’RE an old man

Me: 😑