Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.

My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates

“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.

If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.

A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE

My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.

the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!

Bear

‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’

I lost my little toe in a wood chopping accident. It was replaced with a rubber prosthetic. My friends now call me Roberto.

Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.

You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.

Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.

I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift

me: i’ll have the mouse, please

waiter: that’s mousse, sir

me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food

break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out

I would feel bad about teasing my brother about the cow scaring him but one dark night my dog chased an armadillo & the armadillo slammed into my front door while I was reading & tried to CLAW its way into my house & I screamed & it’s still known as “The Night Of The Armadillo”

NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR

your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too

What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it

I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed

a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE

I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.

My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.

Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.

I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao

I just checked Web MD and I have everything

Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.

We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.

The cat: Bet