Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
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life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
If Brussels sprouts can be bitter and celebrated, so can I.
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
reduce, reuse, recycle
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Olympic athlete: *does something unbelievable*
Announcer: That’s incredible! It’s too bad her father fell down a well 15 years ago
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
This was a bad idea all around
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Just a reminder: 3-year-olds like to be given a choice! When you’re getting ready to go, ask them “would you like to wear sneakers or sandals?” so that they feel INCLUDED and EMPOWERED to scream at the top of their lungs that they want to wear their Mickey Mouse bedroom slippers
I’ve learned enough Spanish to dream in Spanish, but I can’t understand what the fuck anyone is saying 😀
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain