Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades

Me: Cool

Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor

Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud

I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.

let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼

my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive

Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too

date: your glasses make you look smart

me: well i had to fail a test to get them so

Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?

Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.

Mine has been gone 6 years.

Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass

Every work call, he judges.

Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis

crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle

me: i gave you the wrong mixtape
gf: all of these songs are about eating a sandwich
me: i know
gf: how are there so many

Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.

Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?

Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.

Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?

Boss: haha oh goodness no

Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.

teacher: where is your assignment?

me: my dog ate it-

[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]

me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.

everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up

This chapter of my life is called.

“Pushing a pull door”

Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.

I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.

*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?

Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.

For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.

Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.

I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?

I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.

Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?

My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks

Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.

I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.

And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.