Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.

Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-

Me: NO SHIT ALEXA

An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it

Got my COVID test result back. 70, whatever that means. Luckily I also got my IQ test results and they were positive

approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes

“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter

Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys

Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size

I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!

Cookie.

There, happy now? You cunts.

Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.

1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin

[job interview]

“Tell me a weakness.”

I never finish what I start.

“Care to elaborate?”

*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.

for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping

Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.

i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy

I would’ve gotten away with saving money if it weren’t for those meddling kids!

Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.

Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.

Psssst.

Hey you,

Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it

People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.

Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a storm

No matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.

Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously

If we all just agree, this could be a 3 day weekend too

I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.

It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.

PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.

Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas

Me checking my bank balance online.

A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.

Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.

For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.

How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.

If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.