Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.

Breaking up

(be mature, be mature, be mature)

Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.

Saw the washing machine only had 6 minutes left so I decided to wait in the basement until it was done. That was 4 hours ago.

Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.

The glockness monster

In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.

Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?

“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently

Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.

there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here

smokey robinson: tears of a clown

witch: where did you get this recipe

therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see

me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face

therapist: please take this seriously.

me: ok it’s a car

therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/

Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”

Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.

Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.

4-year-old: You have to clean, too.

Me: They’re your toys.

4: It’s your floor.

The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.

Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.

Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this

I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.

Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse

FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?

ME: grow up Kalvin

Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died

I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.

Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.

Not all heroes wear capes…

You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice

This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]

Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.

People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”

Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE

I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket

“911, what’s the emergency?”

we were robbed. they stole the wireless router

“calm down”

also they shot my grandma or something. not sure