Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL

i saw “independence day” in the theater in 1996, and friends, i will never forget the way the entire audience literally and ecstatically CHEERED when the dog escaped from the explosion. that dog could have won an election for president with like 95% of the vote in july, 1996

Ok cat haters, explain this…

Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.

Cause I think it does.

While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.

Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.

Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.

*being born

my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT

Me: guess who I bumped into at the store

My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone

Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”

IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?

Me: KENNY…and my password is….

IT: FOOTLOOSE

Me: Wow…How did you know?

IT:

Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.

Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no

“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”

as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator

[on a first date]

Me: So do you like puppies?

Her: Oh I love them

Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies

Waiter: Excellent choice, sir

“Is that your dog?”

“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”

Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way

[at the gym]

Body builder: how much can you curl?

Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon

Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice

When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place

dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it

I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.

pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”

Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.

The walk of shame:

When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.

I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.

Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁

I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.

I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.