Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
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[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
What rhymes with ‘riddance’? I need to get this Bereavement card perfect.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again