Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
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Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”