Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that

4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”

Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.

4-year-old: We thank the microwave?

Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.

Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.

Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha

Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife

If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.

you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”

I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.

Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?

That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork

*skinny dips into black hole

If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.

“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.

You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”

me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”

korean waiter: we do not serve this dish

This device could predict incoming phone calls.

We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.

Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!

i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know

I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.

An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.

Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?

Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick

Cop: *on radio* get the feds

Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”

Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be

Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.

“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do

Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.

Canadian up.

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

SUPER DANCE OFF??

Cop: OH YEAH

OH YEAH?

Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.

oh no