Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games

“Bear with me”

-A Russian bear trainer

Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.

I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.

A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.

You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.

[holding a baby]

me: uh so how long have you been a baby?

[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?

Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.

My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”

Me: “Sure I don’t.”

If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.

Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.

I was on a sofa next to my wife who was eating a snack and typing on her phone, I heard my phone ringing in the kitchen where I was charging it so I went to check it …

The SMS was from my wife, she wrote “Bring me a drink on your way back”

Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.

M: I’m gonna go relax

H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help

We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’

Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.

Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.

Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow

I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.

I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.

[group therapy]

me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?

voldemort: uhh no

joker: yikes

darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you

We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows

So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend

I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.

If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:

Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.

*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*

A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.

*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.