Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.

Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.

Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”

Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”

Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.

Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.

Why procrastinate now when you can always procrastinate later?

Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses

[Gets shot by mugger]

Girl walks by: omg are u ok?

I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?

My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies

Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.

wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma

…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.

“Get in the van if you want to live.”

Creepy Terminator…

Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?

me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs

My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.

If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.

The toothpick museum hates to see me and my mini chainsaw coming.

I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]

I just built an entire table backwards if anyone was curious what kind of idiot thinks they’re too smart for the instructions

Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.

It’s actually kind of funny that people pay any attention to beauty/skin/diet/fitness influencers who are in their 20’s. Like “what’s your secret??” Being 22. That’s their secret. If the kale salad exfoliation regimen still works after menopause THEN they might be on to something

Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery

Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.

[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true

I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.

Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.

me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no