Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
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you’re so productive for your wage
boys are so easy to impress
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
I used to work for a large pharmaceutical company. I used to host a load of fake meetings in the nice meeting room, just so me and my colleagues could have a free coffee and biscuits.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
Software Development ⛵️
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.