Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
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Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
What’s this sorcery? 😂
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
Autocarrot sucks!
Ninja turtles from Italy have names like Dave or Randy
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again