Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
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Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
How do I get people to bring me various casseroles without hosting a wake?
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
A game married people play.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
calling in to work dehydrated
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.