Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
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To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
12 yo: I say “mucho” to all my Spanish speaking friends
me: why?
12: bc it means so much to them
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
🤭😂
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them