Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
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7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Trying
“no gods no masters” = leo
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Anyone know what emoji I can use for “no mum, I don’t remember the woman who lived 4 doors down from us 36 years ago who had no neck”? x
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
“Management would like librarians to offer patrons in-depth computer training upon request.”
“But what if, while I’m doing that, the phone rings or another patron comes to the desk with a question?”
“Just try not to have all those things happen at once. It’s called planning.”
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die