Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Overheard:

“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”

I will do some shady shit for a mocha.

Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!

[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs

*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.

For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.

[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]

wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”

Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.

I went to law school for this.

Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names

Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.

I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.

Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.

In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.

You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.

The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.

“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign

Ever since CATS come out things have been way off

haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop

Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?

My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*

My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.

I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix

*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING

Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.

[Bedroom]

Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that

Her: Sure you do

Him: Time me *holds breath again*

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

MAN: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly

Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it

*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*

From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”

Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.

Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.

People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?

🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶

SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!