Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.

Discuss.

You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.

[first day of astronomy class]

So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,

or do we draw straws?

the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”

mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber

Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about

If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.

Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?

Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.

good morning

Costume idea:

Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.

Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot

I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.

evil queen: would you like an apple?

me [is snow white]: nah not really

evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!

me: meh, even so

In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.

ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”

BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…

society: let’s give mothers their very own day

me: what about sharks?

society: we’ll give them a whole week

ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.

Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.

Goats that intimidate others are bully goats

Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.

my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”

($800 for an iphone)

oh no problem here you go

(99 cents for an app)

HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW

Her: I can’t eat all that.

Me: … That’s a blueberry.

[on a date]

Him: I love the law.

Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.

Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.

People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”

I’m a bad influence on myself.

[excerpt from my failed job application]

MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops

we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed