Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
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I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
My onlyfans will be $9.99 and for that price I’ll ask if I can come over and hang, let you stress-clean because you don’t want me to see how you actually live, then cancel last minute so you can relax by yourself in your nice clean home. It will be called onlyplans.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??