Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
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[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
What do you mean “Just Standing There Glaring And Hissing At People” doesn’t count as socializing
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.