Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
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Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
ME: Colman Domingo would make a great Hermes in the Hadestown movie
GUY WHO I’M TRAPPED IN A CAVE WITH: cool but I meant ideas about how we get out of this cave
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.