Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
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Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
Britain be like
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die