Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
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Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.