Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
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3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
there was another, tinier cement truck inside
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.