Some good places you can stay for free:
In your own lane
Out of my business
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Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
as you get older nothing loses its sting more than an authority figure saying they are disappointed in you. like I don’t know what to tell you, Darryl, we can’t both live in the prison of your expectations
I could NOT have put it better myself.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”