Some good places you can stay for free:
In your own lane
Out of my business
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When you start taking vitamins to improve your memory but keep
forgetting if you took them today or not!
4 yo: “Miss Katie, when you were a baby did your parents die and leave you alone?”
My friend: “Sorry, they watched Annie yesterday.”
Love thy neighbor’s dog
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
all that yoga finally paid off
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.