Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn

The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.

the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do

Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know

My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.

Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.

CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner

ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–

*goose with a badge waddles in*

ME: okay but i’m driving this time

yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird

Big scare this afternoon. Was asked to identify a body at the Coroner’s Office after an accident involving the rotors of a helicopter. As you can imagine, I was so relieved it wasn’t Bob from ground crew. Bob had a head

Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.

Stay lazy my friends.

Sorry I was late, I was waiting for my cvs receipt to finish printing

Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.

Whiskey: Yes you can.

A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.

In Canada they just call them geese

angry women in movies can cut their hair with a hunting knife over a dirty bathroom sink and look incredible, but when I have scissors and a mirror and all the time in the world I look like lord farquaad if he got caught in a lawn mower

I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”

It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.

i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???

16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”

*plays The Smiths

Me: Uncontrollable weeping

Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.

Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.

I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.

The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’

I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol

Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.

Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.

Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”

I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.