some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
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Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
You ever see someone driving and immediately understand why they’re missing a bumper?
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating.”
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
I went from rags to one rag.
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
? 💀
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.