Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.

What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??

The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅

“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.

instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”

this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore

A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.

If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.

It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.

yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.

………….so like he’s clearly a monster right

The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture

me choking on my own saliva for no reason.

My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”

*Removes smoke detector battery

**Cooks in silence

Bye, have a great day. I’ll see you after school, I tell the orange in my kid’s lunch

I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.

You Matter.

Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.

Then you Energy.

When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.

The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.

Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.

Maggie Smith, Britain’s last coal-powered actor

One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.

Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’

kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.

I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.

The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.

I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”

I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.

My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing

Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?

Me: Word