Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
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I found your tweet-up…
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
In-person meetings at the office are a wonderful way to help your developers take a break from being productive
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
Me: Donates my body to science
Science: Donates my body to Goodwill
Goodwill: Revives me and tells me to get out of their damn store
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
– Are you suuure there’s nothing to eat?
-One moment, let me check my bra
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities