Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
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Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not how I look first thing in the morning.
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
“FRAAANCE!”
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Today’s tshirt
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*