Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?

You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey

Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing

[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?

Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat

My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen

If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.

ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?

BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?

ME: no, it’s a Civic

Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.

Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.

scientifically speaking, how long do you plan to be this stupid?

Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!

My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.

I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.

If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.

Jesus H. Christ.

Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.

One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50

you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired

Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP

Me: I’m woke

Kids: How woke?

Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.

My summer body has been pending for about ten years

People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”

If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.

cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try

You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.

The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.

keeping a picture of my bed in a locket around my neck and staring at it longingly on my lunch break

Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.

[stranded on a desert island]

*plane flies over head and drops a letter*

Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!

*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warranty

Me: Sonofa-

In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.

‘Just Do It (Yourself)’

NIKEA