Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
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“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
scrabbled eggs
