Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
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‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
How do I know I’m awkward? One time someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “cheese”
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
today a man told me that he didn’t like my piercings then got mad when i said he looked like a thumb.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.