some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
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Girlfriend: Babe would you still love me if I was human?
Me: Of course ba…wait, what?
*Her jaw unhinges*
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
why no one uses midhusbands
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Me: May I see your report card?
Grandson: I don’t have it.
Me: Why not?
Gs: I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
If you show up to a baby shower holding a sickle, nobody complains that you didn’t bring a gift.
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
New librarian said “I haven’t worked much with youth. How do you tell tweens from teens?”
“You know they’re tweens if they gather loudly around the computers and horse around in the restrooms.”
“And the teens?”
“You can tell they’re teens if they’re not here in the library.”
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.