Some guy in the middle of my Nosferatu screening took out his phone and googled ‘Nosferatu’
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I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
My therapist after every session
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
the wife told me that we’re invited to a country themed party so I’m wearing this
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.