Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work

they need to invent a dishwasher with a window on it. i have to know what goes on in there

*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]

I ordered a pizza.

I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.

Is it free if it’s 5 years late?

I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?

When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.

Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.

The past three months of 2021 have flown by.

I have a coworker that gets the same thing every day at lunchtime, diarrhea

Ghost hunting is just an excuse to hang with the fellas in the dark

Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.

Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking

Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.

I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.

Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?

Me:

Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!

What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?

My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”

Moments like these are when I ask for money.

[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie

If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.

*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING

We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them

You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.

Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.

“Girl, same.”

– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.

I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding… Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with
“Welcome back everyone”

New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!

Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!

I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up

me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]

him: is that all you got

me: yeah inflation’s bad