Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First Date

Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.

Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*

I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house

[Luxury hotel planning meeting]

Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.

Soft towels?
Definitely.

Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.

My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door

my gf left me cuz I’m insecure

nvm she’s back she went pee

Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.

[first day as a bartender]

boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos

me: *starts serving mitos*

*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH

Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)

Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?

Me: Of course. One sec

(Resets phone to factory settings)

Me: Here you go

Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!

Me: oh, very funny…

Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?

If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.

Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments

I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.

If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified

*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]

Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.

Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.

My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…

using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism

Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*

Her: OMG

Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short

Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.

my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport

Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.

Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.

I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.

The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.

The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.

Calm down shouty man. I didn’t “tell” my toddler to throw chicken nuggets at joggers. She did it herself.

You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.

Dating over 40 is like Hide and Seek but no one is looking for you