Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
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Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
I can remember all the lyrics to “Bohemian Rhapsody” but cannot remember a 15 character tweet while exiting the shower.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
a gay boyfriend is kinda like a brother you have sex with
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?