Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????

My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.

making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs

The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose

As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.

Those deemed suspicious, are mine.

my lower back watching me try to live my life

[1hr before date]

Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken

I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised

I’ve named my couch American Idle.

Wife: Can you turn on the computer?

Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of computer]

Wife: why for everything

jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?

me (hates gossip): no

I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.

There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.

I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping

My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.

I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”

Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess

“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman

people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.

I put my pants on like everyone else.

with hope they still fit.

as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”

When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.

Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.

Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.

If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.

Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.

Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.

Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.

A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces

Him: How close is the storm?

Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.

*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*