me: i just killed two birds with one stone 馃檪
noah: you did WHAT
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Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
My dad told my mom he鈥檇 never divorce her because he doesn鈥檛 want her that happy.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.