Some guy told me I wasn’t funny today, so I punched him in his face because nobody likes liars.

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it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.


This liquid diet crap is a scam. I’ve been drinking beer since last Tuesday and I’m still fat.


Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.


I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.


[quietly opens a beer]

Funeral Director: seriously?!

Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]


[At the coroners’ to identify a body]

Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”


I swear I’m about to be productive. Any minute now…


Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!

Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….