it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Some guy told me I wasn’t funny today, so I punched him in his face because nobody likes liars.
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This liquid diet crap is a scam. I’ve been drinking beer since last Tuesday and I’m still fat.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
I swear I’m about to be productive. Any minute now…
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes