Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.

I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets

[Wedding night]

Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this

New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room

Me: Am I? *winks forever*

This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.

ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs

DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant

ME *scuttles closer*

DATE: 6 of them

Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit

Rt to bother an English speaker

Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!

If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.

We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?

There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t

My kid invented a game but told me it was too complicated and I wouldn’t understand. Reader, he is throwing a stuffed animal repeatedly in the air and catching it

You might just have to resign…

japanese corn

Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.

My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one

It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.

*replies to everyone’s subtweets

“I love you too baby”

[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…

It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.

If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?

First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.

(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

The kid next to me on the flight sang we don’t talk about bruno pretty much the entire time and had the audacity to keep calling me mom

If my kids invented a drink.

wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes

me: how is your pancake, bud?

3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft

Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.

I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”

[World Cat Conference]

President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*