Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
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Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
(making the first gang) sorry to keep bringing up fashion i just think it would be cute if we all wore the same color
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Don’t worry, you’ll find the lost scissors when you’ll be searching for your glasses
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.