Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
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maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
gonna start parting my hair down the middle so i can write poetry better
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…