Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
You Might Also Like
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
Squirrels before girls.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Smooooooth
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
(finding some nice fresh limbs) nice… these will be perfect for my frankenstein
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
smart people are like huskies
if you don’t give them an interesting problem, they become an interesting problem