Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is one of the best videos to ever exist.

I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.

[PRESS CONFERENCE]

Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby

Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?

Me: sure, whoever

I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.

HER: Wow you look great.

ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.

The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.

When I die I want my hearse to play ice cream truck music

Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019

Choose your fighter!

You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.

Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.

I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts

Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT

Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras

I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.

Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible

Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo

Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..

That’s when you push him in.

The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.

I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.

one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”

I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.

shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever

*pats belly*

Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?

Me: Yes. Nachos.

Him: I’ll pay for dinner.

Me: I want to pay.

Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.

Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…

[in music class]

Teacher: Be sure to take good notes

Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?

Can. I. Help. You.

*putting dead animal heads on the walls*

People will like this!

Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:

-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane

No self control, must pet the kitty 😂

Drive as I say, not as I drive.

My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.