Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.

I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.

Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.

marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does

narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman

@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?

*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No

Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.

My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?

Once again I find myself asking “How long can I stay in the bathroom before one of my employees realizes I’m gone?”

Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle

Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.

I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey

Music FACT: For security reasons, Kenny Loggins changes his name every 28 days.

Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.

Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.

in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…

our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score

6. me as a lawyer

[on the couch having tea]

Me: this is nice.

Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.

[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut

I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.

me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?

techician: sure..I’ll take a look

[later, ]

technician: it’s not too bad..

me: thank god..what is it?

technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders

me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?

What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?

*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*

Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse

Dog politely drops hints that he’s interested in walking..🐕🐾😅

Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.

[the city, seeing a marching band]

DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?

ME: i’m 6

It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want

The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.

wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight

me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses

wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time

[later]

hannah’s husband: hey

me: that’s it i’m out