Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

shop assistant: can i help you find something?

me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences

shop assistant:

me: or laundry detergent

One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me

Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.

I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive

They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.

Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats

My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées

*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.

It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.

Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda

My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.

when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”

I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.

me: hi do you take walk-ins

the morgue: what

Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.

pesto is just an Italian word that means “produced by pounding” so in a way we are all pesto

women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.

women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.

Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers

Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.

Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.

Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.

Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner

Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha

Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended

Me: oh, what do you drive?

Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?

I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?

Training for a job is a bunch of people telling you “this isn’t how youre supposed to do this but this is how I do it” and then nobody tells you how you’re supposed to do it.

Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol

My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.

I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.

My dog watching me set my burrito down when I go to answer the door

if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping

“You make your own luck!”

– Lucky People