@DannyMcH2O

Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.

If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.

Ugliness is universal.

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@Mr_Kapowski

Guy behind me at a concert recording with his iPad was pissed when I held up my 40″ monitor that was hooked to my laptop, blocking his view

@joeheenan

Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken

@therealeatwood

ME: [in g-string and hardhat] You sure this is what Boss meant by strip-mining?

[A bat swoops down and tucks a crumpled bill into my thong]

@lmegordon

My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.

@donni

My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.

@JohnLyonTweets

Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.

Puffer fish: Dammit.

@Hey_Sascha

Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.

@squirrel74wkgn

[dinner w/friends]

“How long you two been married?”

It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.

@ArfMeasures

JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what

@Jake_Vig

I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.