Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
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One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way