Guy behind me at a concert recording with his iPad was pissed when I held up my 40″ monitor that was hooked to my laptop, blocking his view
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
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Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
ME: [in g-string and hardhat] You sure this is what Boss meant by strip-mining?
[A bat swoops down and tucks a crumpled bill into my thong]
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.