Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
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Last Christmas I gave you my heart and the very next day you gave it away!
Well grandma, that’s how organ donation works.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
My favorite part about ordering a salad on the first date is going into the bathroom and eating 6 mini donuts.
I just made your acquaintance, and this is preposterous, but here is my address, perhaps thou shall mail me maybe.
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?!
[Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
Got kicked out of Bed Bath & Beyond today for drawing pictures of Drake on their blankets, so they’d be extra soft.