@DannyMcH2O

Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.

If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.

Ugliness is universal.

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@pleatedjeans

Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence

@khook32

Last Christmas I gave you my heart and the very next day you gave it away!

Well grandma, that’s how organ donation works.

@BlindChow

Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.

@SadieSkyNinja

My favorite part about ordering a salad on the first date is going into the bathroom and eating 6 mini donuts.

@ShakespearePop

I just made your acquaintance, and this is preposterous, but here is my address, perhaps thou shall mail me maybe.

@GiggleQueen2018

DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?!

[Me to the cicada as it hits my car]

@IamJackBoot

The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?

@GorillaNipples1

Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?

Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.

Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.

@stevevsninjas

[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*

@Schooney_Tunes

Got kicked out of Bed Bath & Beyond today for drawing pictures of Drake on their blankets, so they’d be extra soft.