Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
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Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
I will never stop laughing at this
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
We were never supposed to have this much access to stupid people’s thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Simple enough.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.