Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”

Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.

*I describe my lost cat to the cops*

Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*

Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*

Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?

Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol

You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both

I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off

Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.

*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”

My kids: can I have some of that bacon?

Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg*

*Makes cereal for my breakfast*

Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom

My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.

If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.

I now feel I’ve watched enough reruns of The Shawshank Redemption on basic cable that I’ll be able to successfully make it in prison.

My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours

Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?

Neil Armstrong: …yes.

Wife: Take out the trash

Me: Just let me finish this movie

Wife: What are you watching?

Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story

If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy

The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.

ME: Got any hobbies?

DATE: I’m a big horse fan

ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe

[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?

Dear Santa,

My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.

The urge to throw a coconut at someone.

I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.

Me: Can you get the things you want to take to Manchester?
8yo: *Goes to her room and returns with seven books*

COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u

Clean sheet day!!

*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*

Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done

I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.

I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit