Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
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It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
You can’t believe it’s autumn already? Please stop expressing surprise at the linear nature of time. The correct emotion is disappointment.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
The word Ohio looks like a tractor
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
Overheard a baby crying in the grocery store the other day so I went over and joined him. I get it little dude, life is hard
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct