Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
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duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.