Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
You Might Also Like
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Doctors texting each other.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
[guy who’s in a bad mood until lunchtime every day] yeah im kinda weird I guess, i don’t need breakfast
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.