Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.

I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.

If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this

I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.

I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.

eating beef jerky and thinking that cow probably shoulda drank more water

Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka

-Poem about the food pyramid

Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.

Husband: How much did we spend?

Me:

Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!

No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living

maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]

ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):

It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

Other moms: I hate summer break

Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes

After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic

My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.

I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin

Why do squirrels swim on their backs?

“To keep their nuts dry.”

HAHAHAHA!

(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)

I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.

Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required

Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.

I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.

I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 Pants

For the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks

I noticed my mouse problem is back an I yelled at my cats for being lazy and not doing their job like I was in a Tom and Jerry cartoon

I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.

Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.

[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.

GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.

ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.

To bye at an auction you should bid adieu

Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.

Him: I like you.

Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.