Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.

GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness

Me: Wait. . . wh-what?

GF: I’m pregnant

Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?

My love for my kids is like my data plan:

Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.

Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively

Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes

My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.

COP: Know why I pulled you over?

ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?

COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-

Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.

My mother’s maiden name is Password.

Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.

EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol

me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER

there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps

Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.

Always leave the cult better than you found it.

Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.

Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know

There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.

Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…

I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.

Do u think the white fluid in the robots on Alien is battery fluid or milk. I’ve been calling it robot milk but no one likes when I say that

Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.

choose your fighter

My wife is thinking of getting her own Twitter account where she will just show videos of the aftermath of my cooking in the kitchen and narration of her just saying ” what the f**k Bill” over and over again .

Did cherry pie filling end up on the ceiling yes yes it did is that my fault 🤷‍♂️ with no documentation the evidence is only circumstantial

1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.

They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.

The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.

What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?

A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.

#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes