Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?

It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.

judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence

You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.

“and it goes without saying…”

*proceeds to say it*

A cabbage a day keeps people away.

In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.

Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills

Me: yes that number is zero

I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”

I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.

*Pikachu dies*

Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.

*ghostbusters arrive*

[First Date]

I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.

[Second Date]

*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*

I also stopped visiting a friend of mine because he had a snake. The last time I visited him, I asked him where his snake was because it wasn’t in its cage and he told me he didn’t know but it’s somewhere around the house. 😭 I left immediately.

[Waiting at the dentist]

*leans over to stranger*

I’ll clean your teeth for half price.

Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings

You can basically pressure anyone to do something by publicly saying: On the count of three! One, two-

Normalize asking if this is an intervention whenever someone invites you over

one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason

bible: love thy enemy

me: loves carbohydrates

Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us

we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.

Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.

Or something like that.

any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously

*peeing*

I should get outta bed now, I guess.

DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]

The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.

Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised

The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.

“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*