Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
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Whenever I get up my cat gets up too and then yells at me like it’s my fault she decided we have to do this together
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
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Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
My coworker complained that I pee too loud to my boss but I refuse to moan silently
🤣🤣🤣🤣
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Male response to “How’s it going” severity scale
Pretty good – Not good
Can’t complain – Rough couple of weeks
It’s going – Alcohol and cigarettes are keeping him going
Just another day in paradise – Hates his job, wife and life
Things couldn’t be better – Going to park on the train tracks
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.