Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
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I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
No LinkedIn, I am not “open to work,” I am required to work
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
About 6 years ago, a new lad at work would have been sacked if I hadn’t spotted what he was doing wrong and stepped in. Now, he’s my manager & records my weekly performance. Without fail I’m 100-110%. It’s really nearer 30% with the rest of the week spent playing FIFA. Cheers bud
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.