Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?

You: make yourself at home

Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*

My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.

My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.

“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”

*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*

Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible

ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no

[job interview]

Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?

Me: Sure, go ahead

Interviewer: [dials number]

Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER

[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”

Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁

“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.

My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”

She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”

I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”

She hates me now

ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.

GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.

ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.

I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.

*Seductively hides in the woods

music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’

I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.

Ate.

Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.

I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.

My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me

43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree

[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?

[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]

To keep the peace

lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?

me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency

[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.

A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.

Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.

boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem

me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally

My cousin is supposedly into taekwondo but he never finished his training.

He has a belt in partial arts

Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.

What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.