Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
You Might Also Like
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: ＷＥ ＤＥＭＡＮＤ ＳＯＵＰ
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.