Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
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If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
I’m sorry I mistook your baby for a bag of cheetos. If it helps, it was very tasty.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Saw online –
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
Coming out of the gym, taking a big drag on my protein cigarette
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat