Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job

Customize Your Wedding.

Rt to bother an English speaker

Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”

Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”

JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.

People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?

I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.

me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go

[job interview]

“So what are your goals for working here?”

To be home by 5

Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?

CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear

Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?

Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.

60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂

911: what’s your emergency sir

me: I can’t find my butler

911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir

me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back

3yo: I have counted my shoes. One, two.
Me: That’s right. For your two feet.
3yo: 😠 I want to have three feet.
Me: Buddy. Nobody has three feet.
3yo: YES THEY DO
Me: Where have you ever seen someone with three feet?
3yo, who has never been out of the country: IN 😤 ENGLAND 😤

Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:

set yourself free xox

Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”

Me: “Fred or Ben?”

I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.

I call it my trampoline stamp.

There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.

The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam

Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb

Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage

Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]

[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want to

guy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.

receive Botox for severe facial tics and before I get the shots, I smear a numbing cream all over my face (because the shots are painful). When my neurologist came in the room and asked how I was, I said “I can’t feel my face when I’m with you.” I thought it was funny🤷‍♀️

I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.

You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.

Yeah, me too.

Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.