Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
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Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
i- i did not expect this
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
become ungovernable
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Customize Your Wedding.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Delighted to have won the freight contract to help Ukrai… never mind.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders