Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
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I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Snoop: Murder was the case that they gave me.
Me: oh, mine was public urination, so same
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
twitter users today:
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man