Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
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Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.